


the man he longs to be

by stefonzolesky



Category: Blues Brothers (Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, The whole works, Trans Male Character, elwood is having a bad time half the time, i'm just flexing my character muscle on these guys rn, period typical stuff, we love a healthy sibling relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 13:02:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18194942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: “You wanna be the Blues Brothers?” Jake asks. “We’ll be the fuckin’ Blues Brothers. Cut all the ‘woe is me’ bullshit.”





	the man he longs to be

Janie Delaney is a sickeningly sweet name, Jane can’t help but think. Jake tells her she looks sweet enough to match it. 

“Jake Blues,” Jane frowns at the mirror. Jake is across the room, reading from a newspaper. She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “You’ve got the easy end of it. People listened to you when you said you wanted a different last name. If I have to hear another person call me ‘Janie Delaney,’ I swear, I’ll go fuckin’ insane.”

She turns to face Jake, who finally glances up from his newspaper at her. “Jane Blues. S’like we’re twins.”

“It’d be mean to name your twins Jake and Jane,” Jane decides. She tugs her jacket shut and buttons it at the middle. “This fits weird.”

“It looks fine,” Jake promises. He shuts his paper. “I’d be more concerned about your hair.”

“Why?” Jane whips around to stare in the mirror again. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Christ,” Jake mutters under his breath. He doesn’t answer her. Jane doesn’t think that he will. She scowls at the mirror and decidedly shoves a hat on her head.

When she’s finally ready, Jake sneers, “Women,” jokingly. “Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.” And Jane  _ knows _ it’s a joke, but something in her gut twists every time he jokes like that.

She’s always loved being one of the boys. But now… now she’s going out into the world, and it’s gonna be a little bit harder to keep that up.

“You’re not gonna wear a skirt?” Jake asks.

Jane shakes her head firmly, and that’s that.

 

...

 

Being on the road with Jake is different from being cooped up in the orphanage. In both the best and worst way possible. 

Jake knows that Jane is the better driver out of the two of them, so he sleeps in the passenger seat the whole time and she has some peace and quiet.

There’s a motel in Bloomington that they stop at, after about a week of sleeping in the Bluesmobile. When the guy at the desk asks for a name, Jane gives Jake’s name instead of her own.

“Why’d you give him my name?” Jake asks her, following her up to their room while she spins the keys. “They’re basically the same, anyway.”

“I’m thinkin’ about changing my name,” Jane tells him, because she is.

Jake laughs until he realizes that she’s not joking. He watches her jiggle the key in the door and stands in the doorway for longer than it takes her to get inside and take her shoes off.

“It’s only one bed,” She tells him.

“What are you gonna change your name to?” Jake asks.

Jane shrugs. “It’s just a thought. How long do you think we’ll be staying here?”

Jake seems to get that she doesn’t want to talk about it. He sits down on a chair across from her. “Month seem too long?”

“I haven’t thought much about it.”

“Yeah, well.” Jake crosses his arms. “Maybe you should start thinking more.”

“You think we can get a show?” Jane raises an eyebrow.

Jake laughs. “Do I? I’m done thinking for the night, Janie.” He yawns. “You can take the bed, this chair is pretty comfortable.”

Jane sighs and lays down on the bed. The light on the ceiling is dimmed by her sunglasses, and she can stare right at it. She turns to say something to Jake, but he’s already asleep.

It can wait.

 

…

 

The Ravens have their first show in Elwood, Illinois. The venue is an hour and a half away from the motel, and naturally, Jane drives.

“There’s an Elwood in New York,” Jake tells her. “You ever been to New York?”

“Does it seem like I’ve been to New York, Jake?” Jane asks, eyes focused in on the road. “What, as a fuckin’ baby I went to New York?”

“I was joking,” Jake mutters. “Jesus. You’ve gotta loosen up, Janie.”

“There’s an Elwood in Utah,” Jane tells him. She presses her lips into a tight, thin line and grips the steering wheel a little harder.

When they get to Elwood, Jane is pretty sure her head is gonna explode if Jake says another word.

“This village doesn’t even have a thousand people living in it,” He leans over to inform her, right in her ear. “What money are we gonna make in this place?”

“We’ll give ourselves a name,” Jane says.

“Don’t you ever think?”

“Don’t you?”

Jake huffs and crosses his arms over his chest indignantly.

“I’m booking the next show,” He tells Jane. She thinks that she’ll have to let him.

 

…

 

They play a small diner, and they fucking rock the place. Jane grabs a pen on the way out and writes ‘ELWOOD’ on her knuckles. 

 

… 

 

They play some more shows around the state, just the two of them and whatever local guitarist they can pick up. It’s never anything spectacular, but they do enough to make a living on. 

Jane dreams of going back to Elwood, for some fucking reason. Jake makes her swear that they’ll never go back.

“That place gives me chills,” He says. “I swear, that diner was haunted. Something wasn’t right.”

“I liked it,” Jane says, tracing over the fading ink on her knuckles.

Jake nods towards her hands. “I can tell.”

They sit in silence for a moment. Jane can tell that Jake wants to say something, but he’s too worried to get the words out. He does that sometimes. She hates it.

“Elwood,” He finally says.

Jane looks up. “What about it?”

Jake shrugs. “Just trying it out.”

Jane nods, even though she doesn’t really get it. She looks back down at her hands, tongue poking out of her mouth in concentration. Once she’s finished, Jake grabs the pen from her and writes ‘JAKE’ on his own knuckles.

Jane furrows her eyebrows. “What’s that about?”

“You don’t like Elwood the place,” Jake explains. “I know you, Janie, I can tell.”

And maybe Jake is right. Elwood, Illinois does have an… off vibe about it. It’s too small, too close. Everyone is on a first name basis, and she doesn’t think that’s very comfortable. She knows that she could go back there after months and still, someone would know who she is. That she’s Jane Blues.

“You’re right,” She says. “I don’t know what it is.”

Jake puts the cap on the pen and sets it down on the table. “I know you don’t want to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

“When you said you were thinking about changing your name.”

“We’ve already changed our last names. That should be enough.”

“Don’t bullshit me,” Jake practically spits.

Jane draws back. “What?”

She can tell that Jake feels bad immediately.

“Just tell me the truth.”

He sounds desperate, so she does. But the weirdest thing is that it’s a truth that she hadn’t even told herself.

“I like the name Elwood,” She says. “I know it’s a boy’s name. But I like it.”

She knows that telling the truth is supposed to make you feel better, but she feels like someone just left a bag full of bricks right on her chest. She stares at Jake. He stares right back.

“Okay,” He finally says. “Elwood it is.”

And that’s when the relief comes. Elwood is surprised that she doesn’t cry.

 

…

 

“Sir,” Jake starts, pressing a key on a keyboard. “I’m Jake Blues, and this is my sister Elwood --”

“Elwood?” The man at the music shop -- Ray, judging by the name of the shop -- asks. Elwood feels herself shrink back.

Jake, thank God, doesn’t bat an eyelid. “Yes, my sister. We’re looking for a nice harmonica in the key of A. You see, my sister is a dumbass, and she dropped her shitty one out the window of the car --”

“-- I did not!” Elwood can’t help but interrupt. “That’s bullshit, Jake, and you know it.” She glances at Ray. “Sorry, sir.”

Ray laughs. “That’s fine. A harmonica?”

Elwood nods. “Key of A,” She says. “On account of I can’t sing.”

Ray has his back turned now, scouring for a harmonica. “You can’t?” He asks. “Or you don’t?”

“I don’t,” Elwood corrects. “I don’t like my voice.”

Ray makes a soft ‘aha!’ noise and turns back around, placing a harmonica in Elwood’s hands. “That’s a shame. It seems like you’d have a nice voice. That’s forty dollars.”

“Forty dollars?” Elwood asks.

Ray nods. “Forty dollars.”

Elwood looks to Jake desperately, and Jake sighs when he slaps two twenties down in Ray’s hand. “Better be a good fuckin’ harmonica.”

They leave the shop both irked for different reasons, except Elwood can’t seem to place hers. She thinks about it the whole drive home.

 

…

 

“You’re taking too long!” 

Elwood can hear Jake’s voice, muffled through the bathroom door. She sighs and sets down the pair of scissors she’s holding, swinging the door open.

Jake blinks.

“Your hair.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s gone.”

Elwood’s mouth suddenly tastes really bad.

He’s right, though. She’s chopped her hair off right around her ears. And it looks  _ bad. _

“I like it,” Jake tells her.

She laughs. “And I’m sure the ladies will too.”

Elwood isn’t sure why she says that. It’s not like she likes girls, not like that. It just seems easier. She can’t figure out what it’s easier than.

Jake shrugs and shoves Elwood’s hat on her head.

“It looks better with the hat,” He decides.

 

…

 

After half a year, Jake and Elwood get their hands on a band to play with them. A band that decides to only take them if they change their name. ‘The Ravens’ isn’t good enough anymore.

“The Blues Brothers,” Elwood suggests. 

Jake stares at her. “You’re a girl.”

“I know. I hate it.”

She stares at her feet, ready to slide off the barstool she’s sitting on and into the floor.

They don’t come up with a better name. The band says to call them back if they can ever figure it out.

 

…

 

In a dingy bar with fake IDs, Elwood finishes off a beer and heads towards the jukebox. She’s sick of whatever they’re playing. 

She punches in a song, and leans on the wall next to the juke, surveying the bar. She and Jake could play this place easy, she thinks.

“Nice night,” a voice says next to her. She turns her head to see a tall, dark haired man standing on the wall next to her. She looks away.

“Yeah, I guess.”

The man takes a shallow breath. “I’m Richard.”

Elwood looks over at him again. “Elwood.”

“Elwood,” Richard repeats. Elwood hates the way her name sounds in his mouth. He’s bigger and taller than her, though, so she knows better than to try and walk away. She scans the crowd for Jake and hopes that he’ll see her. “Cool name.”

“Thanks,” Elwood says, trying to dismiss Richard as casually as possible. She decides that it’s all for naught when he grabs her tie and forces her to look at him.

She swallows hard. “I don’t think--”

“Hey!”

Richard doesn’t flinch. Elwood’s eyes widen at Jake over his shoulder.

“Get the fuck off of her.”

Richard laughs and promises Elwood, “One second,” and she really hopes that he won’t make good on it. He lets go of her tie and turns to face Jake.

“She’s not into it,” Jake says.

Richard laughs. “You know this guy, Elwood?”

Elwood can barely make herself say, “Yeah.”

Richard is at least half a foot taller than Jake, but Jake puffs up his chest like he does when he wants to intimidate someone and says, “Leave her alone, man.”

“Having a girlfriend that’s taller than you isn’t a good look,  _ man, _ ” Richard tells him.

“She’s not my  _ girlfriend _ ,” Jake spits. “She’s my fucking  _ sister!” _

He aims a punch at Richard’s nose, but Richard beats him to it, sending Jake’s head snapping back. He relaxes a little, and Elwood takes that opportunity to shove Richard to the ground and grab Jake’s wrist. They need to get out of there,  _ immediately. _

“I could have handled it,” Elwood tells Jake on the drive home, even though she definitely couldn’t have.

Jake has his hand cupped around his nose. “I saved your ass, Elwood, and you know it.”

 

…

 

“You awake?” 

It’s an ungodly hour, and Elwood finds that she’s having a lot of trouble sleeping.

“Mmph,” Jake manages, and Elwood thinks that amount of consciousness might be just what she’s looking for.

“You ever think you’re having a lot of trouble pretending to be what you are?”

Jake stays silent for a moment, but Elwood can tell he’s awake. Just thinking.

“You been drinking?”

“No,” Elwood says, because she hasn’t.

She shifts, rolling over on her back.

“I think God might hate me.”  

“We’ve known that a long time,” Jake promises. It doesn’t make her feel any better.

“Jake,” She says, trying to keep her voice from shaking. “I’m being serious right now.”

Jake reaches over and turns on the lamp in between their beds. Elwood rolls over on her side to stare at him. “What is it.”

It isn’t a question. Elwood laughs nervously -- this was easier in the dark. She stares at her brother, and he stares right back at her.

She rolls onto her back again and sighs. “You can just go to bed. It’s stupid anyway.”

“Elwood,” Jake says, voice turning serious. “Tell me what it is.”

“I can’t cry,” Elwood says, even though she really wants to. “Men don’t cry. I haven’t seen you cry in years.”

Jake doesn’t say anything. This is the quietest he’s ever been, she thinks. 

“I just feel fake.”

“You’re not fake.”

“But I feel like I am.”

“What, because you’re a fucking girl?”

That shuts Elwood up fast enough. She stares at the ceiling.

“You wanna be the Blues Brothers?” Jake asks. “We’ll be the fuckin’ Blues Brothers. Cut all the ‘woe is me’ bullshit.”

Elwood doesn’t say anything. Jake sighs.

“Because you’re my  _ brother,” _ He continues. “You’re stuck with me, Elwood. Whether you like it or not.”

 

...

 

The band thinks ‘The Blues Brothers’ is a much better name. 

Elwood cuts his hair, and Jake buys (steals) him a new suit. Jake says that he deserves it. Elwood thinks that maybe Jake feels bad for him, and that he doesn’t like, but he appreciates the gesture. The suit manages to hide his curves that he’s grown to despise.

“Damn, Motorhead,” Jake tells him in the car. “You almost look like a real man.”

“I’m more man than you are,” Elwood shoots back. “Anyway, are you sure we’ve got a show at this place.”

Jake nods. “I swear. It pays and everything. Hey, you ever think about doing vocal training?”

“Costs money,” Elwood says, eyes on the road. “I’ll stick with harmonica, thank you very much.”

“No, but really,” Jake continues. “You’ve already got a pretty deep voice.” The ‘for a girl’ is left unspoken, but Elwood tries not to focus on that. “I’ll bet you could end up hitting those low notes we need.”

“Probably not.”

“I think so.”

“Probably not.”

Jake huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “Whatever. I bet you’re just scared.”

“I don’t get scared.”

 

…

 

Elwood  _ definitely _ gets scared. He’s standing in front of a group of people, here to see a show, and he’s scared his suit is all wrong and they can  _ tell _ that he’s just standing there  _ lying _ to them. He refuses to open his mouth. 

Jake manages to blow the crowd away.

 

…

 

“We should learn how to play the theme song from Rawhide,” Elwood suggests one day, over dinner with Jake and the band.

Jake laughs. “I’m not singing that shit. If we play that, you’re gonna have to do it.”

Elwood considers it. He may hate his voice, but…

“I’ll do it,” He decides. Jake looks shocked. “It’ll be good practice.”

“That’s my brother,” Jake says quietly. Elwood pushes away his toast. He’s suddenly lost his appetite. “We’ll do the theme from Rawhide, then.”

 

…

 

Elwood fucking bombs the first time he performs like that. The crowd likes the song, but they  _ don’t _ like him.

“I thought you sounded good, man,” Jake tells him. “It was a little like you were doing a voice --”

“Because I was,” Elwood interrupts. “This is stupid.” He takes off his hat and throws it down on the bed. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Elwood.”

“It’s not like I actually look like a man or anything.”

“Elwood.”

“I mean, it’s not like I’m fooling anyone.”

“Elwood.”

“Besides.” Elwood laughs. “There’s a reason I never sang.”

“Elwood!”

“What?!”

“Calm down!”

Elwood’s shoulders slump. “I’m a fraud.”

“No, you’re not,” Jake tells him. “You’re my brother. And we’ll work on that song. You’ll blow it out of the park one day, I swear. When it counts.”

“It doesn’t count now?” Elwood asks.

Jake shrugs. He obviously hadn’t thought that much into it. “All I’m saying is, don’t sweat it.”

It's hard not to.

 

…

 

Eventually, Elwood nails the theme from Rawhide. It takes him a while, but he does it. It’s like a personal stepping stone, and nobody but Jake can really figure out why he’s so excited about it. 

He steals liquor glasses and a few bottles from the bar that they play at, and he and Jake sit on the floor of the motel and drink all night. To celebrate a small win. 

“Thanks for taking me seriously,” Elwood says, alcohol going to his head. “Christ knows nobody else does.”

Jake shrugs. “Sure they do. You’re too hard on yourself.”

He pours them each another drink. Elwood laughs to himself and takes a sip.

“If only the Penguin could see me now.”

Jake giggles, like they’re kids again. They’re only nineteen and twenty, but it’s been so long since they’ve been able to act like kids.

“You gotta learn to take joy in pissing people off, Elwood,” Jake tells him. “It’s the only way you’ll get through life. People are always gonna be mad, because that’s how people are. Let it fuel you.”

Elwood laughs and hangs his head. “I think you should go to bed, Jake.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, really. We’re heading out tomorrow.”

Jake finishes off his drink and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Yeah, I know. I know. Matt’ll kill me if I end up too hungover.”

It’s a one-bed motel room, again. Like when they first left the orphanage. Elwood decidedly takes the chair, even though his legs are much longer. Jake drank at least double what he drank, anyway. He’ll need the comfort.

 

…

 

Elwood wouldn’t call himself a kleptomaniac. 

At least, that’s what he tells himself as he shoves packs of gum in his pockets on the way out of a convenience store. He slides his sunglasses on and slinks away like nothing happened.

Jake is leaning against the Bluesmobile outside. “You’re gonna get caught.”

“Bullshit.”

“You got caught when you were sixteen.”

Elwood rolls his eyes. “That was different, Jake. That was a car. This is gum. It’s different.”

Jake shrugs and holds his hand out for a pack of gum. Elwood hands him a pack and climbs in through the window of the car.

“Everyone else is already there,” Jake tells him as he rounds the car and gets in, slamming the door shut and immediately going to fuck with the cigarette lighter. “We’re late.”

“It’s fine,” Elwood promises. “We can stand to be a little late. We’re the fuckin’ Blues Brothers.”

And this time, he really believes it.

 

{fin}


End file.
